Monday, December 15, 2008

SUFFOCATING...............

Meredith Gray(Gray’s anatomy) once said “We’r adults now…when did that happen,and how do we make it stop?” And when she did say this…it got me thinking…….


I’m going to turn 21 this January.I’m an adult now….But being one has started taking a toll on me… Yes Yes..I know you might say that 21 is too young to be “taking a toll” on somebody…but that IS what is happening.I don’t think I’m myself anymore..not even a shadow of what I used to be like..And if this is what I’m growing up to be-well,then..GOD!this ain’t what I wanted to become….

What’s wrong?-people ask me…. To the outside world,my life seems near about perfect-I mean,here I am-a second year engineering student,doing respectably well in studies,some 14oo kilometers away from home,surviving out there in the fiercely competitive world of college.. Both my parents are earning,and I being an only child get almost every of my sane demands fulfilled by them,because they want to make sure that absolutely nothing comes in the way of my success... And the three of us are apparently “very very happy” with our lives.. So,isn’t that nearly “perfect”??

This is precisely what my problem is-Most of us have made a make believe world of our own wherein all of us are pretending-yes..”pretending” is the word..to be happy.. And how did we have this sudden brainwave of being pretentious??Umm..I don’t know…But I think,it came to us as an important lesson while we were “becoming adults”…

I do know that sometimes -that one stupid joke cracked,or one smile on your face (even though you know how much you’d rather sit and think about what might be wrong in your life) might work wonders for the people who really matter..I know the feeling you get when you see your near and dear ones happy because of one small gesture of yours..is well,as they say..”priceless”.But how long does this happiness last?How long can you put up with this façade?What happens when the reality dawns upon us?Then there are issues to be dealt with,problems to be solved,relationships to be taken care of..and a plethora of other things as well..And somehow..while taking care of so many things,that one smile-however fake it might have been just seems to disappear.. This…is what adulthood does..or atleast has done to me..

Additional responsibilities,a new world to explore,weird and at the same time life changing experiences,”real” people,fake ones as well,jealousy,deceit,competition,survival…..-Being a grown up means all this and sooo much more..It has taught me a lot of things,things that will help me in the long run..and things that I never wanted to learn while I was a child…


Sometimes,all I wanna do is just speak out what exactly I’m feeling….but I cant- for fear of hurting my loved ones…or just beat the hell out of people who have played with my sentiments or affected my family or friends in any way(I know this sounds really kiddish!!)..but,obviously,I can’t…..or just ask people to shut up!!..not possible either..and..sometimes I just wanna cry out loud and bring out all those feelings ,but cant…just cant….

Instead all I do..is laugh,put up a brave front,hope and pray that the next day will be better…and “survive”….
Yes..each day is a survival….

It leaves me feeling desperately helpless……

But shouldn’t I be given a pat on my back? After all I’m behaving soo maturely...learning from my experiences…..and all that bulls**t…..
Hell yeah..I am….suffocating….surviving…and playing my part well……

22 comments:

HP said...

very nicely written. straight from the heart. sad.. and exactly how i feel.

everyday i learn things that i dont want to ... but have to.

we'll talk..
take care.

The Happy Human Jellyfish said...

*hug*

that's what you need.

*another hug*

Anil Sawan said...

welcome to the world of "matured" adults :)

Arv said...

yeah... and it only gets crazier :)

welcome to the 'big' world...

You will be alright.. just take it easy :)

have a nice day mate... cheers...

Trinaa said...

hon...WE NEED TO TALK...SOON.

Lucifer said...

u dont grow up unless u wanna...well look at me...m gonna b 26 n all d girls in my life still say i need to grow up :P

HP said...

you have and awaaaaaaaarrrrrrrrdd !! - does that help in cheering u up ?

Mayuri said...

@heer-thanku....ya,we need to tok...
@divinediu-*smiles* thanku sooooo much..needed tht :)
@sawan-umm.......thanx..thts all i can say...

Mayuri said...

@arv- shit! i dont wanna entr the 'big' wrld...shit! thanx nevez... i hope it gets allryt soon.. :)

@tinni-yup....we do love...soon...

@mayz-lol...good fr u..!! i hope i can b tht kid agen.... :)

Sruthisagar Yamunan said...

growing up is tough...

Maybe just skip your birthday and pretend that you are still 20 even after Jan.... :D

or better still SUICIDE! That way you can stay 20 forever...

hehe hehe

anyways advanced Happy Birthday!

God Bless

Shashank Shekhar said...

god..that was such a serious post..
but y..??thats the question..
y do you hav to do things which u dont want to..y u have to be someone else when u can do just fine by being what you want to be..
think about it..!!
n yeah..well written..!!

Mayuri said...

@twisted elegance-hehe! skipping my birthday...!!ummm...gr8 idea,thanku...!!and thanx fr ur wishes..still a long way to go..btw...

@shashank-thanku...and u kno wat i tried being myself fr smtym...and ended up hurting ppl...so,i guess i can fake it,fr them if nt fr me...so...

Urv said...

People keep tellin me that 'Experience is the best teacher'. But when the bloody hell did I tell that I wanted to be a student!!

Nandish said...

Bloody true...
if i were to rant it out, it would be on a similar cord...

Unknown said...

I do not agree with this post...i mean...apologies...but then somehow innately it sounded slightly cynical...it might not be and might be something particular in the way I am perceiving it; but then i felt you're questioning the entire way humans evolve with respect to whats inside of the head and their ribs. The world is filled with unlimited perceptions and interpretations etc where one cannot be entirely absolute as in black or white in what they think, what they feel, what they feel they could say..blah blah...the best way (and not the pretentious way) is to actually not delve into it but just play it cool

Mayuri said...

@urv-hehe! a actually true... :)

@nandish-hmm....have lots more to rant out..just waitin fr another oppurtunity....

Mayuri said...

@sumit-to each his own...thts all i gotta say...
u dont agree,i think thts perfectly fyn..im not here to make u believe everything i gotta say...so thanku fr expressing wat u feel is correct n where u think im wrong...

GAURAV JHA said...

Hey Its Grey's Anatomy & not Gray's.
And its kinda good that U at least give a thought to what others think, cos many don't even give others feelings ashit even if this hurts someone.
By the way congo fr having 3 adults in ur family this Jan onwards...

Mayuri said...

@gaurav- "grey's" nad not "gray's"..hehe!! thnx fr correcting me..!

GAURAV JHA said...

U r most welcome :D

john said...

know what? thats sounds utmostly similar...but i guess being adults n getting 'matured' means these thoughts only...

the me-of-five-years-of-age is calling me everyday...but im growing older...[:P]

Mayuri said...

@gaurav-mention not..lol..!

@john-glad u agree....all of us r growing older..n i hate it!