SUFFOCATING...............

Meredith Gray(Gray’s anatomy) once said “We’r adults now…when did that happen,and how do we make it stop?” And when she did say this…it got me thinking…….


I’m going to turn 21 this January.I’m an adult now….But being one has started taking a toll on me… Yes Yes..I know you might say that 21 is too young to be “taking a toll” on somebody…but that IS what is happening.I don’t think I’m myself anymore..not even a shadow of what I used to be like..And if this is what I’m growing up to be-well,then..GOD!this ain’t what I wanted to become….

What’s wrong?-people ask me…. To the outside world,my life seems near about perfect-I mean,here I am-a second year engineering student,doing respectably well in studies,some 14oo kilometers away from home,surviving out there in the fiercely competitive world of college.. Both my parents are earning,and I being an only child get almost every of my sane demands fulfilled by them,because they want to make sure that absolutely nothing comes in the way of my success... And the three of us are apparently “very very happy” with our lives.. So,isn’t that nearly “perfect”??

This is precisely what my problem is-Most of us have made a make believe world of our own wherein all of us are pretending-yes..”pretending” is the word..to be happy.. And how did we have this sudden brainwave of being pretentious??Umm..I don’t know…But I think,it came to us as an important lesson while we were “becoming adults”…

I do know that sometimes -that one stupid joke cracked,or one smile on your face (even though you know how much you’d rather sit and think about what might be wrong in your life) might work wonders for the people who really matter..I know the feeling you get when you see your near and dear ones happy because of one small gesture of yours..is well,as they say..”priceless”.But how long does this happiness last?How long can you put up with this façade?What happens when the reality dawns upon us?Then there are issues to be dealt with,problems to be solved,relationships to be taken care of..and a plethora of other things as well..And somehow..while taking care of so many things,that one smile-however fake it might have been just seems to disappear.. This…is what adulthood does..or atleast has done to me..

Additional responsibilities,a new world to explore,weird and at the same time life changing experiences,”real” people,fake ones as well,jealousy,deceit,competition,survival…..-Being a grown up means all this and sooo much more..It has taught me a lot of things,things that will help me in the long run..and things that I never wanted to learn while I was a child…


Sometimes,all I wanna do is just speak out what exactly I’m feeling….but I cant- for fear of hurting my loved ones…or just beat the hell out of people who have played with my sentiments or affected my family or friends in any way(I know this sounds really kiddish!!)..but,obviously,I can’t…..or just ask people to shut up!!..not possible either..and..sometimes I just wanna cry out loud and bring out all those feelings ,but cant…just cant….

Instead all I do..is laugh,put up a brave front,hope and pray that the next day will be better…and “survive”….
Yes..each day is a survival….

It leaves me feeling desperately helpless……

But shouldn’t I be given a pat on my back? After all I’m behaving soo maturely...learning from my experiences…..and all that bulls**t…..
Hell yeah..I am….suffocating….surviving…and playing my part well……